Monday, February 06, 2006

The Artist's Way Week #5

Chapter 5 *Recovering a Sense of Possibility *

*Week 4*


"It is within my power either to serve God or not to serve him. Serving him, I add to my own good and the good of the whole world. Not serving him, I forfeit my own good and deprive the world of that good, which was in my power to create." -Leo Tolstoy

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want to that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." -Margaret Young

"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm." -Colette


"On the one hand, we take ourselves very seriously and don't want to look like idiots pursuing some patently grandiose scheme. On the other hand, we don't take ourselves, or our God, seriously enough and so we define as grandiose many schemes that may fall well within our grasps."

"If this still sounds airy fairy to you, ask yourself bluntly what next step you are evading. What dream are you discounting as impossible given your resources? What payoff are you getting for remaining stuck at this point in your expansion?"

"Dependence on the creator within is really freedom from all other dependencies. Paradoxically, it is also the only route to real intimacy with other human beings. Freed from our terrible fears of abandonment, we are able to live with more spontaneity. Freed from our constant demands for more and more reassurance, our fellows are able to love us back without feeling so burdened."

"For an artist, withdrawal is necessary. Without it, the artist in us gets vexed, angry, out of sorts. If such deprivation continues, our artist becomes sullen, depressed, hostile. We eventually become like cornered animals, snarling at our family and friends to leave us alone and stop making unreasonable demands. We are the ones making unreasonable demands. We expect our artist to be able to function without giving it what it needs to do so. An artist requires the upkeep of creative solitude. And artist requires the healing of time alone. "

"We strive to be good, to be nice, to be helpful, to be unselfish. We want to be generous, of service, of the world. But what we really want is to be left alone. When we can't get others to leave us alone, we eventually abandon ourselves. To others, we may look like we're there. We may act like we're there. But our true self has gone to the ground."


The Virtue Trap Quiz
1. The biggest lack in my life is...healthy practices (eating/exercising)
2. The greatest joy in my life is...friends/family.
3. My largest time commitment
4. As I play more, I work...more.
5. I feel guilty that I am...pursuing many interests and not just one.
6. I worry that...I will never find my way.
7. If my dreams come true, my family me.
8. I sabotage myself so people will...(leave me alone?)
9. If I let myself feel it, I am angry that I...(very personal)
10. One reason I get sad sometimes is...thinking about how long it took me to deal with the fact that I suffer from depression. (STILL ONGOING!)

Leave me alone? THAT is something to explore!!!

List 10 things you love and would LOVE to do but are not *allowed* to do?
Need more, paint, move to a new city, take pictures, cook wonderful healthy meals.

WISH List: An Exercise
I wish...I had enough $ to travel
I wish...I could fund a non profit company
I wish...I hadn't fucked up my education and graduated law school in 3 years.
I wish...I were more active in the community
I wish...I would submit the countless articles/stories I have everywhere
I wish...I would wake up early and be a morning person
I wish...I would exercise regularly
I wish...I could forgive...myself :(
I wish...I would go out with my new friends more
I wish...I could have a real space of my own
I wish...I would finish my to-do lists
I wish...I could face my financial reality
I wish...everyone in my family was healthy

The reason I can't really believe in a supportive God is....other peoples suffering and misery in the world.

If I had either faith or money I would try...traveling, painting, art class, language class, publish my writing.

List 5 imaginary lives
1. Writer/author
2. Program Director
3. Teacher
4. Social Worker
5. Peace Corps worker

If I were 20 and had money... I would travel to visit all my friends in the U.S. and pay off all my student loans. As well as those of my brother and buy a house for my mom.

If I were 65 and had money...I would travel....everywhere. And give money to those in need.

10 Ways I am MEAN to Myself
Low Self Esteem
Can't understand why I would be lovable to my partner
Do not get enough sleep
Do not get up early
Do not exercise
Do not eat healthy
Do not spend more time with more friends
Do not journal daily
Do not write letters, make calls stay in touch as well as I should
Avoid my reality.

10 items I would like to own but I do NOT. (Oooh pictures!)

Honestly, my favorite creative block is....hiding on the computer in blogs or other pages

My payoff for staying blocked is...I never have to fail or LOSE

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