Tuesday, January 31, 2006

READING

Although I am in Week 4 along with the rest of you...I have fallen behind in one of the most essential tasks, the morning pages. Today was the first time I completed them. There, I said it. I used to journal all the time, and in the last, oh 6 months or so, it has fallen to the wayside and I miss it immensely. I also know there are issues and thoughts that I do not wish to work through, correction, am avoiding working through from earlier this year that I KNOW will come to the surface if I am writing...Avoidance. Block. Protect thyself and never get hurt. PLUS I am in a really GOOD place, relationshipy-wise right now. I have been seeing someone for a few months and quite happy and content, in the present, for the first time ever. And when I am HAPPY about men? I tend to stay quiet...hence no journaling and morning pages. But for some reason I got up at 5:30 this morning, just like the good sleep specialist said I am supposed to (that was also 3-4 weeks!!! I have been avoiding my treatment!!!) And I did my morning pages. And it felt good. I know I am far behind everyone else right now, but I am working on the UNcovering of my inner artist (as Azure Ateler posted about here!) I read Chapter Four last night for the first time after seeing hints about the reading deprivation task all over the AW blogroll. YIKES! Even if I was caught up to speed, I would feel that this was impossible for me to do. Perhaps not while at HOME. I could work on that...but while at work? My job is so painfully monotonous and boring (switchboard operator) that I am not certain what I would do if I couldn't read. I suppose I could write. But I couldn't paint, or scrapbook, or rearrange my room, or meditate or or or bake or create much of anything but a blank stare! YIKES! I thought I would jump in feet first tomorrow and try to only do 5 days of no reading, but I am still ambivalent. Chapter 4 had a lot of notes about the morning pages and how they are beginning to work and since I just started them, obviously...I am making excuses for not reading this week! I am torn. I want to do this in order and with the group. BUT at the same time. I announced this project. (Silly, but it will keep me busy ;) AND I just started my morning pages...I want to experience the unblocking at the right time. My other idea in my head right now is to cut DOWN on my reading at home for the next few weeks. And going for a day here and there without reading at work. And then after a month of the morning pages...try the real deprivation. I dunno, am I making excuses? (Good time to post this by the way since NONE OF YOU ARE READING!!! ;)

Ah, synchonicity. Thank you liz!
"I am still excited and committed to this process, but life does sneak into my plans. And I have to let that go. Guilt, panic, guilt, shame"

3 comments:

In Otter Space said...

Way to go on starting the mp's. don't worry...its never too late...just jump "write" in.
And this whole reading deprivation thing seems silly to me. Personally asking me not to read is the equivalent to asking a recovering alcoholic to hang around in a bar or an anorexic to just skip a few meals. Its not healthy b/c I use to deprieve myself of reading and finally I'm in recovery, doing well...reading again and Cameron says not to read. What the heck?????

Jen(nifer) said...

I know...I have actually determined that I am going to try a computer deprivation game for the rest of the week, sometimes I come home from work, after being on the computer for hours at work and get sucked in...to what I am not sure! So I am going to try to stop doing that....and see from there ;) Thanks for the comment!

Leah said...

hey, i think it's great that you're getting into the m.p.'s. it really is never too late.

and by the way, i have read "spilling open" and it's a beautiful book.